An Interview

Since people aren’t exactly lining up to interview me about my new book, Someday We'll Figure It All Out, I decided to do the next-most logical thing…and interview myself...I mean, line up an interview with a BIG IMPORTANT INTERVIEWER GUY.

The results went about as well as expected.

BIG IMPORTANT INTERVIEW GUY (Who is Totally Not Jeremy Morong): So you have this new book, Someone Else Will Cover It Up.

Jeremy Morong: Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt, but the title is Someday We’ll Figure It All Out. I believe you’re thinking of a book about the end of the Nixon Presidency.

BIIG: Aw, yes. My mistake. So you have this book, Somebody Needs to Find Someone to Love. How is it selling for you?

JM: Well, not as well as I’d like or I wouldn’t be doing an interview with you, Mr. BIG IMPORTANT INTERVIEWER GUY.

BIIG: I see. Well, perhaps it’s the title. It’s rather confusing. What does it mean?

JM: It’s meant to be sort of provocative and ambiguous, see.

BIIG: Ambiguous? What do frogs and toads have to do with it?

JM: No, I mean ambiguity—that the title can have more significance than just one thing, that there’s not one exact meaning though the phrase is used a time or two in the book. An eye of the beholder sort of thing. My hope is that it makes you think a bit.

BIIG: Think what?

JM: Hopefully, “I think I want to buy this book.”

BIIG: See, there’s the problem. I think a good title should tell you what the book’s about. Take Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, for example. It’s about Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

JM: So it is. Unless you live anywhere else besides the US. Then it’s called Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

BIIG: Now that’s an entirely worthless bit of trivia. Are you always this much of a geek?

JM: No, not always. Sometimes I sleep. (Laughs loudly, only coming to an uncomfortable stop when the BIG IMPORTANT INTERVIEWER GUY doesn’t join in.)

All right, then. So what are some other good titles?

BIIG: Harry Potter and Half-Blood Prince. See, it’s about Harry Potter and the…

JM: Half-Blood Prince. Yes, I understand. Are you aware of any great non-Harry Potter titles?

BIIG: Indeed. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. Tells you right off what it’s all about.

JM: Tom Sawyer's adventures!

BIIG: Yes! Or The Jungle Book—it’s a book…about the jungle.

JM: Well, an imaginary jungle. It’s certainly not about a real jungle. 

BIIG: How do you mean?

JM: You know—man cub raised by wolves, pals around with a talking bear, that sort of thing.

BIIG: Are you saying that couldn’t happen?

JM: I think that’s a fair assumption. 

BIIG: Now wait a minute. I just a saw a story in the news about a mother bear taking care of an abandoned infant child.

JM: That’s what the kid says, anyway. He’s also three. When my kid was three, he used to tell me he was going to grow up to be a bird. You gotta take these things with a grain of salt. Or the entire saltshaker, in this case.

BIIG: I think you’re drifting off topic here. 

JM: Yes, you’re right, it’s me that’s drifting off topic.

*Awkward silence, more awkward than anyone can possibly imagine*

*Awkward silence continues*

*Mercifully, gratefully, thankfully the awkward silence ends*

JM: I did a title like Tom Sawyer, once. The Adventures of Braxton Revere.

BIIG: Yours is no good. Who is Braxton Revere? We all know who Tom Sawyer is.

JM: Ummmmm....


BIIG: Are you getting enough oxygen?

JM: Ha ha, I get it. Space Ghost!

BIIG: Space who?

JM: Space Ghost! I get that reference! The cartoon character that used to have his own talk show? Used to ask his guests that question, which surely you knew when you brought it up.

BIIG: Say what now? You’re telling me wolves and bears can’t raise kids, but cartoon characters can have talk shows. Sure, buddy. Anyway, let’s get this over with. Do you want to tell me about your book, Somehow We’ll Figure Out What It’s Called?

JM: Yes, I’d be glad to. It’s about a kid, Mikey Moon, and…

BIIG: (Makes snoring sounds.) You ever heard of an elevator pitch, mate?

JM: Mate. Isn’t that British slang? Or Australian?

BIIG: No, I don’t think so. It’s a very American thing to say, mate. I say it all the time. Mate.

JM: All right. As I was saying, the book is about…

BIIG: Booooooooorrrrrrring. Elevator pitch, bro! Work on it!

JM: I don’t really like to take elevators, truth be told.

BIIG: Some writer you are. It’s a figure of speech.

 

JM: Um, yes. So about the book. It’s about this boy named Mikey Moon…

BIIG: You know? This isn’t going well. Why don’t you just read off the Amazon description?

JM: All right. Sure. Let’s see: 

Mikey Moon is 10, with a lot of growing up to do. To do it, he'll have to rely on the good examples of his mom, younger brother, Sid, and best friend, Travis, while fighting the bad ones set by almost everyone else, including his other best friend, Hank. Along the way there will be adventures and misadventures, celebrations and tragedies, mysteries and mind-numbing boredom. In other words, childhood. Told by Mikey himself, in the way that only he can.

And you should totally stop what you’re doing and go buy it now!!!

BIIG: That last bit? Is that really part of the description?

JM: Yes. Er, I mean, no. 

BIIG: Oh, good. Because it reads a little desperate, truth be told.

JM: Just a little? I kind of meant for it to seem a lot desperate. I’m not too proud to refuse pity buys.

BIIG: You know who doesn’t get pity buys?

JM: Stephen King?

BIIG: Well, him too. But I was thinking of JK Rowling.

JM: Yes, that’s true. Because of her book titles, right?

BIIG: Exactly. Well, that’s all the time we have…

JM: Wait. One last thing. You can buy Someday We’ll Figure It All Out right here on Amazon.

BIIG: Boy, talk about desperation.

JM: You know? You’re kind of a…

BIIG: Don’t even say it. I already know what you’re thinking.